Say Uncle, Say Uncle!

While I was away on my blog-less hiatus, something completely awesome happened.  I became an Uncle.  Wifey’s sister and her husband had their first child a couple of months ago, and luckily for Wifey and I, we were there visiting them when baby came.  That being said, it was then that I had my first real interactions with a baby.

I mean sure, I’ve “seen” babies, and I’ve “been exposed” to babies, and I am “aware of their existence” and all, but I’ve never been around a baby for an extended period of time.  I’m the oldest of two siblings, and no one in my immediate family has had a baby in a good 13-14 years, so this all came very new to me.  I’ll say this: it’s a funny feeling when you’re holding another human in your arms and simultaneously wondering how long it will be before they pee/poop/vomit on you.  Not that I would have cared, because that’s what Uncles are for.  But one thing kept running through my mind over and over again …  “There is a very real chance that this person will poop on me while I hold her.” It’s a precarious thought to have.

After baby was born, I was only able to stay around for a couple of days before I had to come home and go back to work, but Wifey’s sister and her husband recently came to visit for a couple of weeks, and as fate would have it, they brought the baby with them.  Turns out they didn’t feel comfortable leaving her 2,000 miles away by herself for two weeks.  They called it “good parenting” I guess.

Anyway, since baby was here for two solid weeks, I encountered a lot of firsts.  Prior to their visit, I had never really held a baby for longer than a few minutes.  After I did, I had a new respect for parents.

Everyone always says, “Hold a baby like you would hold a football.”  Bullsh*t.  It’s nothing like that.  Footballs don’t move or fart, or need their neck and head supported constantly.  Footballs require slightly less attention than a 9 week old child who is trying to kick her way out of your grasp while simultaneously sticking her fingers up your nose and crying because you dropped her pacifier.  And besides, if holding a child was like holding a football, Adrian Peterson would NOT be allowed to have a child of his own, (which he does).

Before feeding my niece, I had never fed a baby before either.  There’s a subtle art to it.  As there is to burping.  Both have a lot of ins and outs, but the burping department was where I fell well short of my goal.  I imagined it would be easy, but when I was chartered to burp the baby after lunch, I held her gently, and softly patted her back.  And nothing came out.

It was like I was afraid I was going to break her.  I honestly acted like I was trying to burp a $2 million crystal vase.  Wifey watched as I droned on with my pitiful attempts at burping the baby, until finally grabbing her from me.  As she held her on her lap, she propped her head up, delivered a few precisely directed pats, and evoked what will go down as one of the greatest burps I’ve ever heard come out of something that small. Lesson learned.

And I am going on record to say that changing a diaper can either be the easiest or the most difficult thing in the world.  It’s all up to the kid.  I changed baby’s diaper a handful of times while she was here, and a couple of times it was a breeze.  She laid still, didn’t fuss, and the whole process took a couple of minutes from start to finish.  However, there were a few times when my work was met with resistance.

I’m fairly certain she was doing it just to give me a hard time, too.  Occasionally she would lock her legs straight out, making it nearly impossible to get a diaper on or off.  She also had a knack for peeing in the midst of a diaper change, thus resulting in the need for yet another diaper, as the clean one I had put on her 10 seconds prior became instantly sullied.  The whole time, she had this look on her face as if to say, “What?  Seriously, what are you going to do about it?  I’m going to wait for you to take this wet diaper off of me, and then as soon as the new one is on, I’m going to unleash on that, and you’re going to love me regardless.”  It’s true, I do.

How could I not love a face like this?

In addition to being Uncle Mike, I was also appointed another very important position.  I’ll give you a hint.

Okay, that pretty much gives it away.  Wifey and I were honored to be chosen as Godparents, and I had fun telling the baby to “Never go against the family” in my mobster voice when no one else was around.

All told, it was a very fun experience to be around the baby for two weeks.  I got a glimpse into what life is like for new parents, and from the outside looking in, it looks like it can be tough at times, but rewarding always.  It’s tough for me to make a fair assessment though, since I was basically on a regimen of 100% fun, and 0% work and responsibility.  Hey, that’s what Uncles are for.

One love,

10

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6 Comments on “Say Uncle, Say Uncle!”

  1. Bigsby Says:

    I have 3 nieces and a nephew. Just wait until they’re two or three. They are awesome and indestructible then. And by then you can buy them cool gifts.

  2. Julie L. Says:

    Babies give me the heebie-jeebies. This whole post was scary. I’m definitely not having children unless I am rich enough to hire a nanny to do all that diapering and burping crap. Why can’t babies just use a litter box like my cats?

  3. ThePowerOf10 Says:

    Bigs, I am really excited for those years. That’s when I’ll start spoiling her and become “Cool Uncle Mike.”

    Take it easy, Julie. Why don’t you stop talking for a while? Maybe sit the next couple plays out. Get back to us when you find your soul. This “diapering and burping crap” you speak of is easy and enjoyable stuff. P.S. Cats are the devil’s animals, and I wish they were all dead.

  4. c Says:

    You’re BACK! I missed your witty exposes (without the accent mark, it looks like you engage in mild streaking, but we’ll leave it seeing as I took the time to write this lengthy parenthetical statement).

    I digress. Being an Aunt/Uncle is great! I have 2 nieces and they are amazing. Bigsby is right on, my three year old niece is super fun, indestructible and let me tell you, when you get an ‘I love you, Uncle Mikey’ on the phone for the first time, your heart will just melt right out of your body. Welcome to the Godparenthood.

  5. Jum Says:

    Every time you kiss her, you should grab her face tight, kiss her on the lips, and drop a “I knew it was you, Fredo.” I plan on doing that if/when I become a Godfather.

    Also, ‘Cool Uncle Mike’ would be a fantastic name for a 1980’s rapper.

  6. The Godmotha Says:

    Uncle Mike’s in the hoooooouuuuse! The entire burping scenario will go down as one of my favorite moments with the little one. I’m just glad “the enforcer” was around to help out 🙂


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