Archive for December 2009

2009 Year-End Awards

December 20, 2009

Stop.  Don’t even say anything.  Don’t bother.  I don’t wanna hear any crap about how long it’s been since I’ve written.  I know how long it’s been.  I’m not going to make excuses, but as you can imagine, working for the world’s number one shipping company gets a tad busy around Christmas time.  Add to that the fact that I’m getting married in April (yeah, April) and our wedding isn’t going to plan itself, and I think I am allowed to be busy for a few weeks.

In any case, I miss not having time to write, so as I tossed and turned in bed tonight, I figured I could bust out some smoothness for you all.

Rewind to one year ago.  I did a post in December of ’08 covering the first annual Tennies, awards given out by me, to some of the stuff that made the year memorable.  Well, the selection committee has rejoined and again voted on this year’s best.  (Just so we’re clear, when I say “selection committee,” I mean me.  Then again, like you don’t already know that.  Like I’m really meeting with a handful of people in some secret chamber carved out of the Sierra Nevada mountain range.   Like we all sit around a big oak table with toothpicks in our mouths and stroke hairless cats while we drink scotch and have high debates over items like which girl from The Hills is the hottest.  Yeah, real likely.  P.S. Whitney is totally the hottest one).

I digress.  Since 2009 is coming to a close, I see no better time than to hold the second annual Tennies right here, right now.  DJ, cue the music.

… (Awkward silence)

Oh, we don’t have a DJ?  Do we have any cheesy elevator-type music?  Maybe a CD we could throw in or someone’s MP3 player we could hook up?  No?  What the hell did we blow the budget on?  Gummy Bears and queso dip huh?  Worth it. On with the show.

Best Movie: The Hangover. Okay, so I didn’t see a lot of the movies that I wanted to, but I’m much more apt to Netflix them or catch them on HBO.  Nevertheless, this movie was comic gold in my book.  And in a society in which Transformers 2 is the highest grossing film of the year, I can justify picking a crude, in-your-face comedy about 4 guys who go to Vegas for a bachelor party as my favorite movie of the year.  What did you expect?  Twilight?  I’d rather stand on my penis for four hours than watch that pile of tween fantasy crap.

Honorable Mention: The Blind Side, which gets even more credit for being based on a true story.  I expected this movie to be sad and depressing, with a happy ending (since I already knew the long and short of Michael Oher’s life prior to seeing it), but I never expected it to be so delightfully funny.  Excellent performances from Sandra Bullock, Tim McGraw, and Quinton Aaron, who plays Michael Oher.

Best Album: Relapse by Eminem.  You know, it’s almost ironic that I’m giving this award to a hip hop album considering I have grown so far away from the genre lately.  It’s unreal how much I don’t listen to it anymore.  It used to be all I listened to growing up and into my 20s.  Now, 98% of hip hop is just plain bad.  That should speak even more to how well put-together this album is for it to get the nod.  All it took was for Eminem to get a second divorce, lose his best friend in a night club shooting, and fall into a full fledged addiction to prescription medications, all culminating in the form of an overdose and near death in December of 2007.  After a couple years of being a total recluse and a journey through the 12-step program, Em hit the studio again and gave us one of the most anticipated albums of the past five years.  Included are the mainstays of a Marshall Mathers release – a few pop hits meant to take over the top 40 stations and sell the album to the masses – but Relapse is much darker and more real than his previous albums.  It’s very Marshall Mathers LP-esque as far as the overall feel of it.  It couldn’t have come sooner, because I was just about to give up on hip hop altogether.

Best TV Show: The Office, Season Six.  This race came down to the wire my friends.  Me and my feline-petting friends on the committee really struggled with this one.  In the end, though, this was simply the best show on TV this year, thus making it the first two-time winner of a Tennie.  The only negative thing I can possibly come up with for this show is that I don’t see how it can get any better.  It has to have peaked right?  I mean, every Thursday night I come home from work salivating at the thought of watching my DVR’d episode, and within five minutes of it being done, I am already itching for next week’s episode.  I wake up Friday mornings and think, “Son of a bitch, how is it NOT Thursday yet?!”  Seriously, it’s that good.  Season six raised the bar.  Let’s see if they can surpass it again next year. You know the writers are going to be gunning for a third Tennie.

Honorable Mention: How I Met Your Mother, Season Four.  Like I said, this was a tough call for me, but HIMYM gets points deducted for not really taking us anywhere along the main plot line this season.  I’ve watched 90-some episodes of this side-splittingly funny show now, and I am no closer to finding out what I wanted to know than I was after episode one.  That being said, though, it is still a fantastic sitcom, and it’s not like the lack of progression is hampering the comedy or the watchability in any way.  Neil Patrick Harris is consistently one of the funniest people in front of a camera every week, and that alone is worth watching.

Best Sports Team: Los Angeles Lakers (65-17, NBA Finals Champs).  For me, this one was a no-brainer.  If I wasn’t such a hateful, spiteful bastard, the Yankees would have been considered.  However, seeing as how their team salary is about 40% higher than anyone else in baseball, they should win the World Series every effing year.  I’m gonna stop right there before I open a big can of worms.  The Lakers were dominant all year and dispatched of the Magic in five games in the Finals.  Not much more to be said about that one. Also, I hate the Yankees with the fire of a thousand suns.

Best Purchase: An engagement ring for you-know-who.  (Let’s do it together … Awwwwwwww).  Yeah I know this is cheesy of me, but that’s what love does.  On April 30th I will officially become the luckiest man on the planet.

Worst Purchase: Since I’m getting married in four months, I guess that coupon booklet of 10 lapdances I bought from the Deja Vu Club in Minneapolis is now rendered useless.  Okay, that’s a lie.  In all seriousness, this award goes to the $60 headphones I bought back in February or March.  The only reason this purchase didn’t particularly work out for me is because about a week after I bought them, I stepped on them on an airplane in Orlando and effectively broke them to the point of no return.  Money well spent if you ask me.  Thank God we’re not in a recession or anything.

Britney Spears Comeback of the Year Award: Brett Favre.  Trust me, I don’t like him, but he is putting up MVP caliber numbers (despite two stagnant weeks in a row) after everyone, including yours truly, wrote him off and said he was washed up.  He went from throwing 22 interceptions last season to only having five thus far this season.  He is poised to lead the Vikings into the playoffs and everyone is expecting them to make a run at the Super Bowl.  Enjoy it while it lasts, Vikings fans, he’ll be gone next year.

Nostradamus Award (Best Prediction of the Year): In a post from August 6th, I eluded to the fact that Jon and Kate should do their kids a favor and cancel their show.  My exact quote was:

Would it have broken peoples’ hearts if Jon and Kate had made an announcement saying they were going to quit the show to work on their marriage for their childrens’s sakes?

Hmm, they called off the show, and it seems to me society is getting along just fine.  I also went on to say that within three months, no one would remember who these people were.  Of course, if you take that literally, I sound like a moron.  But, you’ve got to admit, it is nice walking into a grocery store and not seeing Jon and/or Kate on 90% of all the magazine covers in the checkout line.  Ladies and gentlemen, their 15 minutes of fame has elapsed. Wow, what a great knowing-that-Jon-and-Kate-should-cancel-their-show-because-if-they-don’t-their-kids-are-going-to-be-eternally-screwed-up-for-the-rest-of-their-lives mind.

And that concludes the second annual Tennie awards.  I’d like to thank all of you for coming, and because it’s seems highly doubtful I’ll have time to write again before this weekend, I’d like to wish all of you a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, or whatever you celebrate.  Happy Holidays everyone.  Be safe, be merry, and eat lots of cookies.

One love,

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