Archive for August 2008

I’ve Got One Semester Left Of School … Gimme A F*ckin Break

August 26, 2008

I’m sorry for cursing.

For those who didn’t catch it, that was a quote from Superbad that I adapted to fit my scenario. Hammen and I had a conversation about that scene the other day and we agreed that it’s our favorite scene in the entire flick.

But enough about that; I could sit here all day and quote that movie.

Well, here I sit, t-minus 78 minutes before my first class of the semester is scheduled to meet. I would like to go on record and say that I have never been so depressed to start school as I am right now. Just knowing that I only have one measly semester left before I scoop up a degree makes it that much harder to focus on said semester. It’s like the light at the end of the tunnel is so bright that I can’t even tell I’m still in a tunnel until my eyes adjust and then it hits me right in the face like a fifty pound sack of shit.

Okay, all shit-filled metaphors aside, school is bumming me out right now and I haven’t even started yet. If there is a silver lining in this cloud, it’s that this semester should (in theory) be a fairly simple one, as I am only in need of seven credits to graduate. Even though those seven credits are in the form of three upper level history courses, I think I can coast my way through with a set of B’s en route to happiness. Hell, Paris Hilton has lived a life of luxury and fortune with a set of B’s, why can’t I? (Sorry, but as soon as I typed the phrase “set of B’s” the first time, I was thereby obligated to make some kind of crude boob joke). Let’s move on.

What really excites me is that one of these classes is purely a research class for which 90% of my grade will be based upon my final draft of a 20 page paper on a topic of my choice. Why, do you ask, would that excite me? Well I’ll tell you if you promise to keep a secret. Lean in here and I’ll whisper it. Come closer … closer … closer.

I’m already done with that paper.

All I’ll have to do is make some revisions, toss in a couple new sources, update some references, bada bing bada boom I’m done. Just don’t tell my professor because I am sure that there is something highly unethical about turning in a paper I wrote for a class last year. Anyway, enough about school because the more I write about it the more bummed out I am getting.

The promotion at work is going well thus far. Like I mentioned before, it’s basically the same work I was doing before, just slightly different hours and a tish more money. The hours are a little on the ridiculous side but it’s worth it, as long as it doesn’t interfere too much with school.

Tiger Woods 2009 hit the shelves today, and I went right after work this morning to score my copy. I can already see this game being a big part of my life for a solid 9-12 months, no joke. For the readers out there who are fans of the previous editions, this one is a must. It’s got a few new things added from last year that make it worth the purchase alone.

Well as much as I don’t like to cut this post short, I need to go and get ready for class. Wow, I just puked in my mouth a little as I typed that. Oh, and who am I kidding? This post sucks and I know it … I’m glad to be cutting it short.

One love,


The 2008 Summer Olympics: More Than Just Sports

August 19, 2008

Sure, I could sit here and write all day about these being the most memorable Olympic games in recent history. I could talk about all the records set and all the long shots that overcame obstacles to win against all odds. I could talk about the pride one gets in seeing a fellow American prove he or she is the best in the world. I could talk about anything sports-related about these Olympic games.

I could … but I won’t.

I would rather talk about how funny it is to me that over the past 11 days, a nation of men ranging in age from prepubescent dweebs to twittering old farts have united in one common thought: Those gymnasts on the U.S. women’s team are hot.

I realize that I’m a day late and a dollar short on this topic, since Hammen decided to pull the trigger on it yesterday, but to my credit, I already had most of this written, and now I am only amending it slightly before I let it loose on the world. He and I traded texts the other day about how alike our minds are, and this isn’t the first time one of us has beaten the other to an idea for a post. To Hammen’s credit, he summed up basically my entire thought process that I was having trouble putting into words with this quote from his post yesterday:

“The sports fan in me loves watching the U.S. vs. Greece in men’s basketball qualifying….but the pedophile in me loves watching 16-year-old-girls run around in one-sies!”

Well said, Jim.

Hammen isn’t the only one who sent me borderline illegal text messages about various members of the women’s gymnastics team over the past week or so. Several of my friends felt obligated to share with me their thoughts on the topic. I got some really funny ones which were immediately saved for future reference. Some of my favorites can be seen below. (The names of the senders have been withheld to protect the perverted).

“I would wreck Shawn Johnson.”

“I’ve got two words for Shawn Johnson: Kama Sutra.”

“If I become a gymnastics coach, can I kiss these girls on the mouth after their routines?”

“I can give her (Nastia Liukin) the best 45 seconds of her life.”

“Is it bad that I got drunk on Saturday and tried to add Alicia Sacramone to Facebook?”

And my vote for the funniest conversation of 2008:

Perv 1: “Gotta love gymnastics.”
Perv 2: “Absolutely. I’m just sad it’s basically over. At least Shawn Johnson is only 16, so she’ll compete in 2012 in London.”
Perv 1: “Until then, you can find her residing comfortably in spank banks across the nation.”
Perv 2: “True. Then again, she lives in Iowa which isn’t that far from here. Perhaps a Facebook relationship could flourish between her and I. I’ll move there RIGHT NOW!”

Priceless stuff I tell ya. What surprises me is the open outpour of lust toward Shawn Johnson, seeing as how she is the only one of the three aforementioned girls who is under the legal age of consent. I personally am partial to Alicia Sacramone, and I feel comfortable saying that in public since she’s 20. Nastia Liukin (who was ROYALLY screwed out of a gold medal last night in the uneven bars) is 18, so I openly crush on her as well.

Nevertheless, leave it to the Olympics to bring out the inner perv in half the nation. For every female who is reading this, before you start in with the name calling and accusations, don’t tell me that you haven’t drooled over some of the men’s gymnastics, swimming, diving, volleyball, or anything else with shirtless men. Let’s face it, most of these athletes competing have a lot going for them. They’re young, athletic, in fantastic shape, and we admire them for their abilities. It’s completely natural to think dirty thoughts. I mean come on, we’re only human. My only regret is that I didn’t join gymnastics as a kid. Who knew I would be missing out on so much.

And on that note, I am going to go watch some of the events I have DVR’d from the past few days. I know, nothing screams “creepy” quite like a 25 year old who records the Olympics every single day so they can be easily rewatched. To my credit, I’m gonna watch the men’s 100m finals too!

One love,


More Letters To Inanimate Objects

August 15, 2008

For those of you who have been reading my garbage for a while now, you may remember a post I did a while back in which I wrote little letters to things in my life that were giving me a hard time and therefore needed some straightening out. (For easy reference, that post can be found here).

Well even though a few still let me down from time to time (I’m talking to you, computer), most of those items came around for me (that’s you, printer … good job). However, time gone by as well as moving into a new apartment have opened up the need for another edition of my letters to inanimate objects.

Dear Dishwasher,

Thank you for doing my dirty work day in and day out. I don’t know if you realize how much I appreciate it, but the fact of the matter is that I would probably be using paper plates and plastic silverware if it weren’t for you. God bless.

Dear Oven,

Come on, I know you’re getting old but you need to step your game up considerably if you and I are to be on good terms. Taking as long as you do to preheat is a little ridiculous, especially when time is a factor and all I want is to pound down some Totino’s pizza rolls. You and I both know they aren’t as good in the microwave, I need you!

Dear Air Conditioner,

You’re a tricky one to approach, so I am going to give you what is called the compliment sandwich. I’m going to start with something positive, then tell you what you need to work on, then finish with something positive. So, first and foremost, thanks for helping keep the place cool. I would be a constant sweaty mess without you and odds are I would probably never be here if I didn’t have you. However, you tend to get a little too loud for my likings after you’ve been running for a while, and that is something I need you to improve on. I know I work you overtime some days, but I don’t get a cross breeze through my apartment, so you’re the star of the show in these warm months. Ending on a positive note, you’re quite energy efficient, which saves me money and helps the environment, so thanks for that too.

Dear BlackBerry,

You have been so good to me for a while now, and even though I think your time with me is dwindling down, I need you to finish on a high note. Your recent breakdowns lead me to believe you’re just throwing in the towel, but you’ve got a few more rounds left in this bout my friend. Odds you will be replaced by the end of the calendar month, but for now, keep your chin up and try to go out with a bang.

Dear TV,

I really want you to know you’re doing a good job here, and you’ve been a prime time player for me for the last couple years now. However, you’ve since become grossly undersized for my tastes, and I just want you to know that when I replace you with your big brother, it’s really nothing personal. Hell, I might even keep you around and hook you up in my bedroom someday if you’re lucky. But I’m sorry, you’re just not big enough for the living room anymore.

Dear Electric Shaver,

You’re still on my shit list, lock it up. You’re lucky I have my sights on getting a new TV or you would have been gone a long time ago. Don’t worry though, your time will come.

Dear Readers,

I am sorry I haven’t been around a lot lately, I really am. It’s just that I have been so busy with work and all, it’s difficult for me to find the time to sit down in front of the computer and put together more than two sentences worth of thoughts. Add to that the fact that the weather this summer has been some of the best I can ever remember, and I just find myself outside more often than not. Worry not, the weather will be turning crappy here soon, and this means I’ll have more time to devote to getting back on track with my own expectations for this page.

For now, I hope this post is good enough to give you your fix for the weekend. I already have a couple paragraphs written for my next post, so if all goes to plan I’ll have that on here by Monday. Have a good weekend!

One love,


NyQuil Anyone?

August 5, 2008

I hate not being tired when I need to get some sleep.  It’s kind of a roller coaster of emotions for me, though.  While it’s fun to feel like I am breaking some kind of unwritten rule by staying up later than I should, I am going to be paying for it when my alarm clock goes off at 4:00 AM (t-minus three hours and 39 minutes from now).

Lately, I’ve gotten into somewhat of a sleep slump, and it’s starting to catch up with me.  I find myself more and more needing a half hour pick-me-up nap sometime in the early afternoon just to get back to even for the day.  At least I plan for it to be a half hour, whether or not it stays that way all depends on how hard I hit the pillow.  For example … Saturday I got off work at about 9:00 AM and fell asleep around 9:30 on the couch, which isn’t abnormal.  What was weird was waking up at 3:00 PM in my bed and having absolutely no recollection of waking up and walking from the living room to my bedroom.

Sometimes when I’m that tired, the last things I remember are the crazy ass thoughts that run through my head just before I fall asleep.  It’s hard for me to explain this ordeal, and I am really banking on the possibility that I’m not the only completely crazy person reading this and hopefully you can relate to what I am about to explain.

The norm for me when I lay down to go to sleep is to just kind of let thoughts run rampant through my head while I drift off.  Usually I start thinking about things I need to get done the following day or things still in my head from the previous day.  Then as I get more and more tired, these thoughts progress from normal to … (for lack of a better phrase) really fucking weird.  Me and some of my friends refer to this phenomenon as being “sleep drunk” because it’s kind of the way you feel being blackout drunk.  You don’t even realize how weird your thoughts are until you stop and think about them.

I was going through this ordeal the other night and then snapped out of it to get up and use the bathroom, and for some reason in my sleepy stupor, I decided to write down my thought process at the time.  The fact that I wrote it all down really helps me because I am now able to remember pretty vividly what I was thinking about and subsequently reflect on those thoughts.

It started out as I laid down and I was thinking about what time I was going to golf the following day.  After a few golf thoughts, I started wondering what the weather was going to be like.  I thought of the ideal conditions and hoped for a warm, sunny day with low humidity and just a slight breeze.  Then I let those thoughts wander into the possibility of mosquitoes.  I remember thinking that too much wind makes for a lousy golf experience most of the time, but too little wind opens the door for mosquitoes and various other bugs to plague the outdoors.

Then things started getting weird.  I remember thinking that I could just put on some bug spray if the bugs were bad.  But then I started to worry about the bug spray not being strong enough, and what if the bugs were superior and impervious to any kind of repellent.  In no time, I had this vivid mental picture of giant ants roaming the golf course while 8-foot mosquitoes swooped down, picked people up, sucked their blood, and dropped them back down into a lifeless slump of flesh and bones.

I kind of snapped out of it and thought more than once about the possibility that I am completely bonkers for thoughts like this, but then I realized that I’ve been having those kinds of bedtime thoughts as long as I can remember and I haven’t been locked up in the paddy wagon just yet, so maybe I’m okay.

So, I guess the whole point to this post is to ask you, the readers: can you relate to any of this?  Not the ants specifically, but the whole concept of sleep drunkenness.  I’ve always had somewhat strange sleep habits, and I could go into about a 1,000 word spiel about it, but we’ll leave that for another post.

What I want to know is how concerned should I be about this crap?  Because this is far from an isolated incident.  Like I mentioned, this has been going on as long as I can remember, and I’m sure as soon as I hit the sack tonight the same thing will happen with just another set of weird thoughts.

A few other random thoughts that I’ve been toting around for the past week or so:

  • Why does it seem like whenever you’re in a relationship everyone around you is single, and then when you’re single everyone is hooked up?  This is how I feel all the time.  I recently got out of a three year relationship and the whole time I was with her, all I felt like was that everyone around me was single.  Now that I’m single, seems like everyone has themselves a significant other.  It’s not that I am looking for someone, but this is more of an observation than anything.
  • I finished the main story line in Grand Theft Auto IV late last week and I’m torn.  It’s cool to be done, but I didn’t want it to end.  It was honestly the coolest game I’ve ever played and now I know I have to wait at least two more years before the next GTA hits.  On the bright side, there are enough twists and turns in the game that I can go back and play it again, but by doing a few things differently, it can be a somewhat different game for me.  At least it will hold me over until Tiger Woods 09 comes out on the 24th.
  • The fifth season of “Entourage,” one of my absolute favorite shows, starts up again on September 7th and I couldn’t be more ready.  It was supposed to be ready back in the spring, but the writers’ strike pushed everything back because they were unable to film the entire season in one swoop. Needless to say, the DVR is set.
  • Summer is almost over and that makes me really sad. I have one stinkin semester of school left, and then I am never, ever, ever, going to step another foot in a classroom.  I have way overstayed my welcome in college, and I am ready to be done.  Everyone keeps asking me what I am going to do for a job after I graduate, and for now I plan to stay at Fed Ex.  The money is good, the benefits are incredible, and I’ve got a great opportunity to advance.  On that front, I was recently offered a promotion after only four months of service, which I gladly accepted.  Not a whole lot is going to change as far as what I’ll be doing, but I’ll be making roughly 30% more per paycheck and working one day less per week than I am now.  How the hell would anyone ever say no to that?
  • The PGA Championship starts Thursday, and my DVR is set.  We’re getting down to the nitty gritty for the playoffs and with Tiger sidelined for the year, it’s really going to be fun to see what happens.  For once, there isn’t an absolute favorite to take it all.  It’s truly anyone’s trophy to win.  Don’t get me wrong, I am not anti-Tiger in the least.  I am really doing my best to savor being able to watch the best golfer of all time almost every week (until the injury of course).  It’s just that with him completely out of the picture, there is that added excitement factor for true golf fans who know that it’s going to be fun watching a bunch of Davids go against one another without a Goliath in the way.
  • Is there ANY chance this whole Brett Favre thing will just go away within the next few days?  No?  I didn’t think so.  I have officially gone into anti-ESPN mode, much like I did after the Mitchell Report was released and after Ohio State lost to LSU two years ago in the National Title game, and then again lost to Florida last year in the title game.   I also go into mini strikes against ESPN when Skip Bayless is allowed to talk for more than 20 seconds at a time (honestly, the man knows less about sports than my 6 year old cousin).  And on that note …
  • Is there a worse sports show in the history of television than “First Take?”  I feel like that show is the underachieving black sheep of the ESPN family, and the only reason they keep it on is because it makes shows like “SportsCenter” and “Outside the Lines” look much better by comparison.  Seriously, I tried watching a little bit of FT this morning, and in less than five minutes, they had two camera miscues, they showed the wrong corresponding reel of highlights during a segment, and Jemele Hill was MIA when her segment was on and had to be called on stage, while the camera continued to roll of course.  I am trying to figure out what kind of niche this show has carved out for itself.  We can turn one channel away and get actual good sports commentary on SportsCenter, so that isn’t it.  PTI has cornered the market on one-on-one sports debate that FT tries to offer with its 1st and 10 segment.  The blatant douchebag quota is filled by Jim Rome, so that’s not it either.  Seriously, this show could be yanked tomorrow and only about nine people would notice.  And mark my words, if I EVER had the opportunity to inflict bodily harm to Skip Bayless, so help me God I would do it without thinking twice.

Well I officially have to wake up in two hours and 53 minutes, so I am going to try to get some sleep. It’s been nice getting all this stuff off my chest though, that was much needed.  Have a good Tuesday!

One love,