Life’s Little Moments

Life is really a great thing. Even if your life sucks, you can always find at least one or two things you like about it. I happen to be fortunate enough to really love my life. Besides the fact that I’ve got it pretty good in the grand scheme of things, I can always find humor in everyday things even when I’m feeling blue. I think if more people took the time to laugh at little things, the world would be a much better place. These little things happen to all of us, some people are just too narrow-minded to notice them from time to time. Well, this is where I come in. I’m going to do us all the service of pointing out some of life’s little quirks that we should paying attention to because, let’s face it … they’re hilarious. This list has been a brain child of mine for about a week now so it has actually grown to be quite extensive, so without further ado, here we go.

Do you ever go into a store or some other place with a large parking lot, and come back out and don’t see your car in the general vicinity in which you parked it? We all do this once in a while. What’s great is if we’re with someone when this is happening because we play it cool and just keep on walking down whatever aisle we’re in praying to God that our vehicle is down there somewhere. But inside we’re having that mini panic attack like something actually happened to our car. You start running through scenarios in your head faster than you ever thought you could process ideas before. “Was it towed? Did someone steal it? I knew I should have taken down that sticker of Calvin pissing on the Duke logo, some Duke fan saw it and flipped shit on my car, I know it!” Then you get past that enormous conversion van and realize your car is right behind it, safe and sound, and this immediately leads to feelings of general inadequacy and a lessened desire to live.

Have you ever been at work or in a public place and gotten a big-time wedgie? What’s the standard operating procedure for this one? Is there a clearly defined manual for different types of situations? No, there is not. We’re on our own for this one folks. So what are our options? Well we can either look like heathens and dig our undies out of our ass cracks with our hands or we can do that awkward, over exaggerated step where it looks like we’re skipping a little bit, hoping the underwear will just magically slide out. Here’s a hint, people know what the hell you’re doing when that goes on, you might as well save yourself the trouble and the time and just pick it. Either that, or do what I do – don’t wear underwear.

Ever look at your watch and look away, and within 2 seconds you forgot what time it is? So you look again, and you still don’t know. Then someone always asks you, “What time is it?” forcing you to look a third time. Now the pressure’s on, because this person is waiting and wants an answer now. So you look at your watch and sound out the time one piece at a time. “Alright … it iiiiiiiis … Seven … Forty … Two.” What’s the alternative? I’d rather look like an idiot to that one person who asked me for the time instead of every person that sees me wearing a big chunky Zack Morris digital watch, calculator included of course.

Ever find yourself standing in a room in your house, and you have no idea how you got there? Then you do about four consecutive 360s looking for some kind of clue to spark the memory. You become a detective up in that place, turning over couch cushions and looking behind the sugar bowl looking for something … only you have no idea what you’re looking for.

Ever been talking to yourself and have someone walk in and catch you, and then you pretend you were singing/humming? Why do we do this? Don’t we look just as insane if we’re singing or humming with no music playing? Suck it up, everyone talks to themselves. Just keep the personal stuff in your head, unless you think you can convince someone there is a song called “That Girl In The Green Dress is Hot as Hell.”

I did this one last week … I went to pick up a suitcase I thought was full, but it was empty. Pretty sure my shoulder almost flew out of the socket. The funniest part was, for about 0.4 seconds I thought I was really really strong.

Ever been going up the stairs in the dark, and you think there’s one more, so you go for it and you were already all the way up? I actually broke my big toe doing this in 9th grade, no joke. I don’t know which is worse, thinking there’s another step when you’re going up, or thinking there’s another step when you’re going down. You get down and do that foot sweep thing to try to feel out the general surroundings and solve the step mystery. Either that or you are sure there’s another one and just keep going down and then your knees end up in your mouth. Good times, good times.

Ever fall asleep late in the afternoon and wake up after dark – and have no clue what day it is? Why is this so confusing? How stupid are we? The clock says 11:09, but if it were AM, it wouldn’t be dark out. Snap out of it!

Guys: Ever been taking a piss and sneeze/cough and get piss everywhere? Why can’t our body just figure out that we can only handle one of these things at a time? Alternative = sitting down to pee. No thanks.

Ever been in a loud room talking to someone, and all of a sudden everyone shuts up at the same time? Now you’re the only moron talking and everyone just heard you tell your friend that you did in fact get crabs from that girl you met at Cold Stone. How does this happen? Not the crabs thing, I know how that happens. But seriously, it’s like everyone in the room got a memo but you. Sometimes I really think God does this stuff because he has an incredibly sick sense of humor.

Ever been walking in a public place and trip, then you gotta do those mandatory half-jogging steps and run it off like that makes you look more athletic? Seriously, next time try this instead: take the fall. Give in to the humility and just let it go. People are going to think you’re a doofus anyway, you might as well give them a laugh. I actually did this stuff on purpose in high school. True story: One day during my senior year, I watched a poor freshman kid take a tumble and send his books flying in the hallway. Everyone laughed at him and I actually felt bad for the kid because he was so embarrassed. So, I got someone to get me a huge stack of books and I stacked them from my waist to my chin and walked down the hall right by where the kid tripped. He was still hunched over picking up his books when I walked by. Well, I took a fall on purpose and absolutely launched the books. I think it made him feel a lot better, and everyone thought it was f’ing hilarious, so it was a win-win.

Ever been caught smelling your armpits for body odor? Why can’t we just go to the bathroom for this? Instead we do it in front of everyone, and then pretend like we’re stretching or scratching our shoulder when we get busted.

You know what’s the worst? When you’re walking toward someone, and they wave at you, and you wave back … only to realize that they were waving to the person walking behind you. Now you have to immediately make friends with someone walking behind the person you waved to so you don’t look like even more of a moron. Conversely, ever think someone wasn’t waving at you, and you just keep staring at them while they flail their arm about for 40 seconds? To avoid both of these situations, do what I do – don’t look at ANYONE when you’re walking in a public place. This will also prevent anyone from asking you for the time, because we know how hard that can be.

These are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to life’s little moments. Look for these in your everyday life and just learn to laugh at them. Believe me, it’s a lot easier to avoid embarrassment if you truly don’t care about the things that don’t matter.

One love,

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