Yes, I Stole This Idea

Thanks for the inspiration, Hammen. I knew I would be stealing this idea as soon as I read it.

You know you’re not my friend if:

– You have a song or a “catchy” tune as your ring tone on your cell phone, and every time you get a call, or a text, or your alarm goes off to remind you to take your crazy pills, you let the song play out because you think everyone around you wants to hear “Poker Face” by Lady Gaga for 30 seconds.  No, we don’t.  You’re not the first person on the planet with a song for a ring tone, and you’re certainly not original.  Answer your phone, your other douche bag friends are probably calling to ask if you wanna go steal Keystone Light from your neighbor’s porch and play beer pong.

– You say things like “laters” or “hells yeah,” or you tell me to “chillax.”   The only acceptable reason to say things like these is if you are a 13 year old girl.  Stop it, you sound like a tool and I want to punch you. Also, if you say the word “like” every four seconds, we’re going to have a tough time getting along.  If you can’t like, bring yourself to like, spit out like, a total sentence at once, then like, you totally like, don’t deserve to be breathing the same like, oxygen as the rest of like, society.  Like.

– You don’t have any concept of what it means to have an inside voice.  If you’re indoors, please stop yelling.  I’m right here.  It’s not like we’re 40 yards away using chainsaws and lawnmowers while listening to our iPods.  I can hear you just fine when you speak at a reasonable level.

– You wear sunglasses when (a) it is not sunny, or (b) you are indoors.  Look bro, I know you paid a bunch of money for those sweet Oakleys with the shiny green lenses on them, but when you go into the store to buy Fruit Roll-Ups and a can of Peach Skoal pouches, do you really need to leave them on the entire time you’re in there?  It takes all of 0.5 seconds to flip them up onto your noggin while you’re inside.  Show some respect to the people you interact with and look them in the eyes.  Maybe I’m old-fashioned about that, but I think it’s rude to leave them on.  Also, people are definitely making fun of you, so just do yourself a favor and leave them in the car maybe.

– You play World of Warcraft.  I think this one speaks for itself.  About two years ago, amidst the massive hype it was getting, I downloaded some free trial of it at the absolute insistence of a friend.  I played it for maaaaaayyyyybe ten minutes, and I immediately uninstalled it from my computer and slapped myself across the face for wasting those minutes.

– You find it amusing or funny that Michael Jackson died.  Say what you will about the man, but he produced the single best selling album in the history of the world.  Thriller has sold approximately 109 million albums worldwide, which is more than any other two albums … ever … combined.  It’s also almost as many as any THREE albums combined.  If that’s not impressive, I don’t know what is. The man was a legend.

– You find it acceptable to let your hair grow into a moppy, tangled mess.  If you haven’t gotten a haircut since the Bush administration, consider yourself included in this one.  It’s not the 70s anymore, and you’re not Kurt Cobain, so how about trimming up that typhoon of douche-baggery on your melon?

– You throw up at the bar and blame it on someone else.  (See yesterday’s post for complete details).

– You can’t watch a movie without spoiling all the funny lines by saying them just before they’re said in the movie.  Sure, maybe you’ve seen Old School a hundred times, but that doesn’t mean you have to recite all of Will Ferrell’s lines moments before he utters them.  Also, if I’m watching a movie with you that you’ve already seen, don’t ever tell me to “watch this” or “check this part out.”  Even if the best part is coming up, don’t say it.  I’m already watching the movie, I’ll see it.  It’s not like I’m sporadically covering my eyes and plugging my ears during all the best parts, so shut the hell up and let me watch the movie.

Hmm, I think that covers the basics, for now anyway.  I’m probably going to take the rest of the weekend off.  I’ve got a couple 10 hour days of work ahead of me, and then Sunday marks day one of ten straight days I have off from work.  I’ll be heading down to Minneapolis for a few of those days, and hopefully golfing heavily for most of the week.  Not saying I won’t have time to blog next week, but if a few days slip by, cut me some slack.  I deserve this vacation.

One love,

10

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