Viewer’s Choice #5: Superheroes That Never Made It

I’m going to be really honest right now. This post is a good idea in theory, but was very difficult for me to write because I wanted it to be up to my standards, (yes, I have standards). I put a lot of thought into this in the past week, and I just hope it doesn’t bomb out. Frankly, by the time you’re reading this, I will have already felt a thousand times better because this post has been haunting me for a while now.

The background of this idea is pretty silly, but just remember, I’m still a young boy at heart. Me and my buddy Dale shoot pool a lot together, and he is constantly getting incredible luck when he plays. This is not to say he isn’t a good shot, but it’s more of a case of that whole “the harder I practice the luckier I get” bullcrap. So anyway, I started calling him ‘Golden Boy’ because of his occasional stints of complete untouchableness. Is “untouchableness” even a word? The red squiggly line came up when I typed it, but you know what, screw the red squiggly line.

Anyway, when I would call him ‘Golden Boy’ I would say it with a loud, deep voice as if I were introducing a superhero, and then I would say some kind of lame tag line like “Armed with the ability to get luckier than any human possible.” This idea must have intrigued him, because he then prompted me to come up with a list of fake superheroes that never quite made it into the inner circle of respected superheroes and have mediocre powers at best.

Well like I said, this was challenging for me because if I was going to undertake such a task (and I said I would write about anything for these viewer’s choice posts, so I had to) I wanted it to be at least somewhat good. So, that being said, if this ends up completely sucking, please don’t tell me because chances are, I’ll already know.

Well, without any further rambling, here we go …

Captain Obvious
The most famous of all the fake superheroes, Captain Obvious was blessed with the innate ability to say the things that everyone already knows. We’ve all assumed the role of the Cap’n at one time or another with classics like “It’s hot out” when it’s 103 degrees or “This ice cream is cold,” to which people usually reply, “Thank you, Captain Obvious.” Sadly, Captain Obvious had no calling among the world of the elite superheroes. As it turns out, they’re rather perceptive themselves and so they found him to be more of a dead weight issue than anything else. Plus, he kept following Wonder Woman around and exclaiming, “You have boobies!” and that got under everyone’s skin.

Super Long Tongue Man
A tragic tale, Super Long Tongue Man was attacked by a gila monster as a young child during a trip to the Grand Canyon. After a short while, he began to turn a tint of brownish, he grew a tongue that would put Gene Simmons to shame, and he acquired an insatiable craving for rabbits and other small game. Also, he was able to withstand very high temperatures and arid climates with a minimal amount of water. After being rejected numerous times from the Allegiance of Superheroes due to his inability to do anything cool, Super Long Tongue Man accepted his fate, changed his name to Omar, and took a job as an overnight cashier at the Tuscon Wal Mart.

Memory Boy
Everyone told Brenda not to do a mixture of crystal meth and Robitussin while she was pregnant, but she didn’t listen. The result? A boy was born with a superhuman ability to store, retain, and retrieve information in his brain. After getting straight A’s all through school, Memory Boy decided to drop out of college his freshman year to put his powers to work in society. The going was tough at first, and Memory Boy held a couple of part time jobs; one helping people study for the SAT test, and another in which he followed senior citizens to the grocery store to remind them of everything they needed to buy as well as assist them in finding their car after shopping. But MB’s proudest moment came when he applied to be a part of the Superheroes’ Union. After being vehemently denied and laughed out of town, Memory Boy found his comfort in a big bag of marijuana. Ironically, he became addicted and lost 97% of his mental capacity in the subsequent years. He now works at Starbucks on Bleecker Street in Manhattan, but rumor has it that he is close to getting fired since he can never remember which pot is decaf.

Super Sense of Smell Man
Born with a nose capable of covering Shea Stadium when it rains, Super Sense of Smell Man can smell what’s on a pizza from around the corner, tell you if your cooking needs salt, and identify who farted before anyone even has the chance to blame it on someone else. He was rejected from the Superheroes’ Union for “being too creepy.” In a recent interview, Cat Woman said she constantly caught him sniffing her dirty lingerie. Wonder Woman verified this claim, stating: “He’s lucky I don’t tell Iron Man about this, he wouldn’t stand for that shit. Iron Man knows how to treat a lady.” Despite this setback, Super Sense of Smell Man found his niche as a member of the bomb squad for the Miami Police Department. Sadly, when sniffing a suspicious package, he was killed in an explosion. As it turns out, the terrorist who planted the package filled it with pancakes and dirty underwear to throw off the scent of the explosives. No one attended his funeral.

The Incredible Sulk
The Incredible Hulk’s degenerate cousin was always living in his shadow. After a messy divorce, Gerald Phillips contracted a severe form of depression and was soon thereafter given the nickname “The Incredible Sulk.” After seven years of crying, moping, wallowing, and sleeping all day, he was rejuvenated at a weekend retreat to the Black Hills in South Dakota. He now claims to have a superhuman sense of caring and compassion, but really he’s just a giant douche. He implored Hulk to try to get him into the superhero world so he could act like somewhat of a counselor to the heroes. “Everyone has feelings,” he insists, “and if they had an effective outlet for their feelings, they can avoid ever being like I was.” The Incredible Sulk was recently found dead in his Utah studio apartment and the cause of death was determined to be an overdose on Prozac.

Science Boy
Born to a pair of Nobel prize-winning parents, Science Boy has a self-proclaimed superhuman thirst for knowledge. Not only could Science Boy power a light bulb using nothing but a potato and aluminum foil, but he could also mix baking soda and vinegar to make your homemade volcano a hit with all the local kids. After college, Science Boy sought out a life in the world of superheroes and truly believed he could make a difference. In true nerd fashion, he made a PowerPoint presentation for the Superhero Inductee Committee in which his tag line was: “If knowledge is power, then I am one of the most powerful people on the planet!” After being rejected, Science Boy continued in his search for knowledge, until one day he crossed the wrong man at the wrong time. Science Boy was approached by Captain Obvious, who simply said to him, “Science sucks.” An argument ensued and Science Boy was beaten to death by the Captain, who reportedly yelled “I’m beating the shit out of you right now!” the entire time.

Alright, that’s it. That’s all I got. I hope you liked it. I hope it doesn’t suck too bad. It’s Friday. I hope you all have a great weekend. To all of my Jewish viewers, happy Passover this weekend. To all of my non-Jewish viewers, the only reason I know it’s Passover this weekend is because my calendar says so.

The weekend weather outlook is quite favorable towards golf, so I can’t make any promises about writing anything new until at least Monday. In the meantime, get outside and enjoy yourself. I know I will, this is maybe my favorite time of the year.

One love,

10

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