Viewer’s Choice #2.5: It’s A Drunk, Drunk World (con’t)

Since I got kind of tuckered out after the 2400-word behemoth that is the first part of this post, I decided to break it into two sections. In this section, we will examine the core differences among males and females during intoxication. As with the first, I feel it necessary to include a disclaimer stating that I realize that everyone is different and things might not be the same where you’re from, but I’ll do my best to keep this fairly unbiased and standard.

First of all, when guys go out, they have a much different objective than girls do when they go out. For example, you never see a group of guys just dancing in a circle with each other. If you did, don’t act like you wouldn’t be a little weirded out. However, girls do this all the time. I really feel like girls could not talk to a single male the entire night and still have an amazing time out at the bar. On the other hand, most men go out in search of female companionship. This is no secret, so let’s not sugarcoat it. You will never, ever hear a man say this to another man: “Forget the girl, we all came together and we’re all leaving together. Now let’s go dance.”

Another thing you will almost never see a male do is stand at the bar for 32 minutes wasting everyone’s time trying to decide what to order. Guys know what they want before they even get to the bar. As a bartender, I can personally vouch for this because I can count on one hand the number of men who have taken more than 14 seconds to figure out what they want. Women, on the other hand, seem to never be able to quite commit to something. So since they can’t figure it out for themselves, what do they do? Start asking their friends. “What should I get? What sounds good? What are you having? What did I get last time we were here? You know, it was that one drink with the stuff in it.” Ladies, we try to be patient, but this is a very trying experience for us.

Another thing I’m not quite following that girls do at the bar is what we’ll call the picture phenomenon. It seems like girls are always taking pictures at the bar with all their friends, toting around little cameras, and making people stop what they’re doing to pose for nine different pictures of all the same people. I’ve never really understood this, unless it’s some kind of event (birthday, bachelorette party, etc). If you ever see a guy using a camera at the bar, look at who is in the picture. There is a 99.8% chance that he got suckered into taking a picture of girls with their cameras.

When it comes to bar activities, guys usually are more apt to take advantage of whatever the bar offers. By that, I mean that guys generally enjoy things like pool, darts, on-site gaming like blackjack or pull tabs, and video games like Golden Tee or SilverStrike Bowling. Now I’m not saying girls don’t do these things, but these are the things that are more often occupied by men because men need to do something while girls are off dancing with each other, figuring out what they want to drink, and taking pictures. P.S. I will dominate you in Golden Tee.

Ever seen a guy crying at the bar? Me either. Ever seen a girl crying at the bar? Me too.

Ever seen a girl passed out at the bar? Me either. Ever seen a guy passed out at the bar? Me too.

Girls are generally more responsible drinkers at the bar, at least in my experiences. But, when they do get drunk, girls are more prone to resemble a small child with respects to their actions. Have you ever picked a girl up from the bar? It’s like trying to get 3 year old to get ready to go somewhere. If you’re not exactly sure what I mean by that, I’ll paint a picture for you. The exchange usually goes something like this:

“Hey, you ready to go? Wait, why are you crying? What’s wrong? What happened to your shoes? Where the hell are your shoes? Yeah, I’ll go back in and get your shoes. Oh my gosh you fell down, are you okay? Are you hungry? Do you wanna go eat somewhere? Yes, we can go anywhere you want. McDonald’s isn’t open anymore, pick somewhere else.” You get the point.

Guys, what is with our incessant need to buy drinks for other people? I almost never see women buying drinks for people they don’t know or just met, yet men do this all the time. Is this some kind of macho B.S. in which we feel the need to exert our dominance over others by paying for things that we won’t even enjoy? Now don’t get me wrong, I fully support this idea when it’s a group of pals taking turns paying for the round, but when men start buying drinks for girls, 9 out of 10 times it’s a dead end and it’s exactly what they want. I can’t count the number of times my girlfriend, or any girl for that matter, told me she went to the bar with less than $10 and drank all night. Guys, try this sometime. Go out with enough money for one drink in your wallet and see how many drinks you have that night. I’ll venture a guess that, for most guys, it would be one drink.

There are no distinct lines in gender when it comes to cell phone usage at the bar, but I have found that guys are more likely to be on the phone and almost every single time it’s for one of the following reasons:

1. They’re texting girls who aren’t at the bar.
2. They’re texting guys who aren’t at the bar, usually regarding girls who are at the bar.
3. They’re texting the guy across from you about the girl sitting near you. This is much easier than trying to get him to look at her by doing signals with your eyeballs.

Even though I really feel like I am forgetting some big time stuff, it’s late and I’m hitting a major wall as far as thoughts and ideas are concerned. For now, I’ll leave you this in closing. Please, please, tip your bartender well if you get good service. Anyone who works in a bar can tell you it’s very demanding work most of the time, so it’s nice to be appreciated, especially since most bartenders make squat for an hourly wage and depend mostly on tips. I can also tell you that there is no question about it; people who are tipping get much better service than the people who aren’t tipping. I don’t care if it perpetuates a cycle of non-tippers continuing to snub me, I know who is taking care of me, and I will go out of my way to take care of them first. Know this, if you continually stiff a bartender, you will be remembered and you will be talked about by the rest of the staff.

If you’re paying cash for your drinks, leave at least a buck per beverage, two if you’re really pleased with the service. If you’re keeping a tab, throw 20-30% on top of your total at the end of the night. Remember, these people are not only serving you while you’re there, they are cleaning up your ridiculous messes after you leave … they deserve it.

One love,

10

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Tags: Viewer's Choice, bar, behavior, drinking, gender differences

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