Viewer’s Choice #2: It’s A Drunk, Drunk World

Per the request of my new found pal BeachBum (check out his blog, it’s good stuff) my second edition of the viewer’s choice posts will take a look at the stages of drunkenness as well as the behavioral differences between men and women whilst drinking. Now, I am going to try to make this generally applicable to any and all, but things might be different in your neighborhood bar so if you find any discrepancies, please direct all complaints to our human resources department … and when I say ‘human resources department’ I mean just say them aloud to yourself and then get over it.

Let’s begin with the relative stages of drunkenness. We’ll assume this is on a night in which you have committed yourself to the cause and are determined to “get your drink on.”

Stage 1: Let’s hope you all do yourself the favor of getting cleaned up before you head out. So we’ll start there. For the sake of argument, I’ll just assume you at least shower and put on clean socks. Some of the more hardcore, like myself, shave and even put on a nice shirt once in a while. Needless to say, this is usually the least eventful stage of the evening.

Stage 2: Pregaming is optional, but I have found that a lot of people do it. I’ve never really been much for it, just because I am more of a fan of moderation most of the time. But for those who do, it usually involves consuming between one and four adult beverages within the comfort of your own home or the home of someone in your circle. Often times though, this stage can be held at one’s favorite restaurant along with a delicious plate of eats or at a local dive bar with a good special … like three-for-ones. Here’s a little known fact about three-for-ones: Did you know that special was invented by Satan himself? Few do, but it’s the truth. This special plays out one of two ways. Either you order three drinks and divvy them up amongst yourself and two others, or you slap on a hardhat and triple fist it. Moving on.

Stage 3: Once you are finished pregaming and head for the next stop, you are usually a Phase 1 drunkie by now. Between the early evening drinks and the fact that you’re about to go have some fun, you’re feeling good. If it’s been a long week, or in some cases, a long Tuesday, then the stress from work and/or school is usually long forgotten by now. Now, you are in the zone. You’re funny, witty, fun to be around, and all sorts of good stuff. You’re smart, but not too smart for your own good. You can engage in conversations and even if you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, you have lowered your inhibitions enough to be smooth while you fake it and bullshit everyone else.

Stage 4: By this time, you’re a handful of drinks deep if not more. You begin to realize a few things at this point. First, no one in the room is better than you. Second, every member of the opposite sex wants you and every member of the same sex wants to be you. You’re winking at people you don’t even know, and for good reason – because you’re dead sexy and they would be a fool not to realize it. Third, you’re rich. No one else knows it yet, but that is soon to come. This is also about the time you get kind of clumsy, but you’re not so drunk that you can’t pass it off as a total mishap. You pull something classic out of your bag like, “I know I spilled that drink all over the pool table, but I’m not drunk. Some jackass bumped my arm when he walked by!”

Stage 5: Things are starting to get messy. This is the stage during which everyone else finds out how “rich” you are because not only are you rich, you’re generous! You start buying drinks for people and rounds of shots for friends like prohibition is making a comeback and you need to go out with a bang. You go from ordering a beer at a time to ordering two double Morgan-Cokes and a shot of your own personal preference … and that’s just for you. This stage can come crashing down in a hurry if one very simple thing happens: you’re paying cash and realize how expensive 13 Jag-bombs actually are. This is when the rich version of you is officially declared dead, three minutes and $78 later, plus tip.

Stage 6: You’re officially a mess by now. Whether you’ve stayed at one place for the night, or you’ve been hopping around a bit, you’ve had enough to drink, but you don’t know it yet. What you do know now is that you’re impervious to any kind of harm whatsoever. This is perhaps the first stage in which gender differences can be easily spotted because guys start wanting to fight everyone else for no reason. You start reliving the spilled beer on the pool table and you tell your friends you’re gonna find the bastard who “bumped your arm” and make him pay. Now of course you never actually get in a fight with anyone, but you’re constantly scanning the room as if everyone is out to get you. Granted, I know not all males think like this, and I am certainly not one. But we all have that friend who just wants to get in fights all the time but instead goes home and mindlessly punches something like a bedroom door for an hour straight.  Jon Clausen (cough).

Stage 7: All hell has broken loose by now and you’ve lost all sense of shame and responsibility for your actions. It is usually this time of the night when you decide that you can do whatever you want. You can walk by the foosball table and grab a knob and spin it while people are playing. You can whip the 8-ball around the table at 100 mph even though there is a game going on. You can throw darts from 30 feet away because there is no way you can miss from there, Hammen (cough). If you’re involved in one of these games or any number of others, you cheat. Why do you do all of this? I’ll tell you why. Because you are invisible. No one can see you anymore, so it’s alright to play “Barbie Girl” on the jukebox four times in a row and subsequently sing at the top of your lungs to it. Now is also the time to try to pull a fast one on the bartender by ordering a drink and trying to throw it on someone else’s tab. Experienced patrons might hang around the bar and wait to hear someone else order something on their tab, listen for their name, and walk over to another bartender and order a drink using that person’s name. It’s a slick move, it’s a dirty move, but it almost always works. Also during this stage, we completely abandon reason and refuse to listen to anyone who is of a less drunken state. We can only, at this point, relate to those people who are as drunk or more drunk than we are. If you’re sober, don’t try to reason with a drunkie because they ain’t havin’ it. I personally find this hilarious. It is usually standard operating procedure at this point to find some form of transportation and get home, with a stop-off at a 24 hour restaurant nearly mandatory.

Stage 8: Once you start sobering up, usually the next morning/afternoon, you go through a few more phases of thought that carry over from the night before. We’ll avoid the conversation about how you might feel physically because not only is that different for everyone, but it’s just plain gross. First and foremost, you might be a little confused and begin retracing your steps throughout the night, which immediately leads to feeling like a total moron. You begin remembering all the things you said and/or did and you don’t even want to be your own friend anymore. Regret is not a fun emotion. Do yourself a favor in your drunken stupor. Try to make a habit out of deleting call logs and text messages before you sober up. This way you don’t have to face the total douchebaggery that surely lies within your phone. Also, why is it that we can never really concentrate on anything for at least eight hours after a night of heavy drinking? It seems like we have trouble holding thoughts and displaying any actions that would allow people to assume our IQ is above 40. This is why watching sports is an absolute must. You can curl up in a blanket and just zone out in front of the TV for hours.

Stage 9: I can’t help but notice that after a one-night bender, despite the fact that I took all that time to get pretty beforehand, I am always uglier than sin the next morning. Maybe it’s in my head, but I just feel like a big pile of doody and it transfers into the way I conceive my appearance. Shortly thereafter, you realize the next major downfall of your day. You are no longer rich. As a matter of fact, you’re downright poor. If you paid in cash throughout the night, the only thing you’re left with is an ATM receipt or two alongside the fact that you have absolutely no idea how much money you spent and what you spent it on. If it were up to me, this would be parlayed into an Olympic event in which people are given cash and forced to get hammered. Then the next day they have to do the math like they’re piecing together a puzzle trying to figure out what the hell they spent their money on. If you kept a tab, all you might have left is the credit card receipt with an amount on it, but absolutely no reasoning behind this number. Shouldn’t bars be forced to provide people with an itemized receipt for next-day referrals? Well they don’t, so as it stands all you’re left with is a piece of paper that has a large number on it and an immediate need to donate some kind of bodily fluid so you can pay your phone bill.

Stage 10: By now, all you care about is feeling better. Everyone has their own rundown of things to do that helps them get back to good, so do whatever works for you. Mine has a 100% success rate, and only because I love you, I will share it with you. First, get the hell out of bed. I know daylight hurts your head, but you gotta face the music sooner or later, so you might as well do it early so you can salvage some of your day. Get to the sink, drink some water. Not so much it makes you wanna puke, but at least an 8 0z. glass is necessary. Next, back to the bedroom. This might be a touchy subject for some, but I’m not afraid to say it. Studies have shown that an increased release in dopamine, the brain’s natural pleasure and reward system, can lead to a faster recovery and immediate feelings of well being. So you’re asking, “how can I get some of this dopamine stuff?” Well the answer is simple. Sex. Yes, sex. It releases a large amount of dopamine and if nothing else, it can help you sweat off some of the vodka left in your system. Well what about those who do not have ready access to sex? Fly solo, it works basically the same. Don’t wanna touch yourself? Fine, prude. Go work out, exercising has similar effects on the brain. After you have completed any one of the three routes I have laid out here, it’s shower time. This is usually the one that gets me back to about 90%. Taking a nice warm shower can do so much for you all at once. You can wash off the stench of stale beer and cigarettes from the bar, relax in the hot water, and most of all, you get that clean, fresh feeling that leads to a much-needed boost in self esteem. After your shower, get dressed in whatever makes you comfy. Most of the time I’m feeling good enough to throw on jeans, but if you’re still not ready to commit to that, sweatpants are okay. Whatever you decide to wear, it’s time to finish this magical equation. It’s time to eat. The possibilities here are endless. Some might want to eat out, some need to eat in due to a disease commonly known as Myfundsarelow (sound it out, you’ll giggle). Whatever the case, eat whatever makes you happy. One surefire food that has NEVER failed to get me back to 100% is a good old-fashioned Stouffer’s chicken pot pie with a tall glass of ice cold milk. That is indeed how I roll.

This was fun for me to do. But even as fun as it was, I am now creeping up on 2,300 words and I feel the need to take a break. I’ll follow this up with part two either later this evening or tomorrow afternoon in which I will detail the behavioral differences among men and women whilst drinking.

I would like to thank BeachBum for this fantastic idea. I would be lying if I said I didn’t appreciate doing the “research.”

One love,

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