Why Can’t We All Just Stop Being Stupid?

You know what bothers me? A lot of things. I find myself getting annoyed with little things a lot lately. I don’t quite know what it is, but I plan to blame the weather. The more I’m out in public, the more I am convinced of the fact that at least 80% of people are too stupid to be deserving of life. While I am full aware that there is really nothing I can do about this on a large scale, I figure I can at least make myself feel better about this if I vent a little.

I’m gonna start off with the one that has been bothering me the longest. I’ve never had a public forum to discuss this … Until now.

I am getting about sick and tired of people screwing themselves out of money on “Wheel of Fortune.” What do I mean? I’ll tell you what I mean. Buying unnecessary vowels should be an offense punishable by law. These “intelligent” people are flushing $250 down the toilet at a rate so alarming it makes me wonder how Pat Sajak hasn’t yelled at someone yet. I’ll give you an example I saw just last week. It was late in the game, and one of the contestants was on a roll. She was picking apart the puzzle with ease, and it seemed like she couldn’t miss. The category was ‘Thing’ and at one point, it looked exactly like this:

T H _

M _ S S _ _ R _

R _ _ _ R

Not bad right? I actually got the puzzle at this point, so I felt good about myself. Well, this is when the wheels came off. The contestant went on to buy an E, of course finishing the first word, as if it could be anything other than ‘THE.’ It’s always going to be ‘THE’ unless Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony is running the game, then it could have possibly been ‘THA.’ I won’t hold this one totally against her, because she got another ‘E’ out of the deal. At this point, the puzzle looked like this:

T H E

M _ S S _ _ R _

R _ _ E R

Got it yet? Yeah, I figured you would. As if that weren’t stupid enough, she went back for more abuse. She bought an’I.’ Now I started getting angry. She didn’t need a damn ‘I’ and she was now down $500 that she had about 12 seconds ago. So now, the puzzle looked like this:

T H E

M I S S _ _ R I

R I _ E R

I know, you solved the damn thing a half an hour ago, as did I. The insanity didn’t stop there. Super genius contestant had this awkward exchange with Sajak:

Contestant: “I’d like to buy another vowel.”

Sajak: “Umm, alright.”

Contestant: “An ‘O’!”

Sajak (to himself): “I’m going home and putting a gun in my mouth.”

So here’s the puzzle $750 later:

T H E

M I S S O _ R I

R I _ E R

Finally she solved the God forsaken thing and was applauded by about 14 people in the audience. Apparently there would have been more applause, but it’s hard to clap while you’re throwing up and/or punching yourself in the face. Would it have been a faux pas for Sajak to openly mock this lady on national television? I say this kind of thing should be allowed in certain circumstances. Aren’t these contestants subjected to some kind of pre-show screening process in which they have to do things like count to ten without taking their shoes off to use their toes? Apparently they’ll let just about anyone on.

Another thing that really bugs the hell out of me is public bathroom etiquette. Now I can only speak for the male gender on this one since I don’t frequent the ladies room, but don’t fret, there is plenty to discuss even with half of the population ruled out of the equation. Let’s start with general etiquette. Gentlemen, there is no need for speaking whilst in the bathroom. Go in, get your poop/pee on, get out. About a year or two ago I found a video on YouTube about just this matter, so instead of going into great detail about this, I’ll give you the option to watch it yourself. Be warned, it’s a little long, but if you’re reading this blog then chances are you’re the kind of person who has some time to kill. Don’t kid yourself, you’re not that important, you have time to watch it. It’s hilarious.

Also in the bathroom etiquette department, I’m at wit’s end with people who don’t wash their hands. Is it really that hard? It takes 20 seconds. Can anyone come up with a legitimate excuse to justify not washing their hands after using the bathroom? Even if I just blow my nose, I wash my hands because Lord knows that single-ply toilet paper isn’t stopping anything from getting on your hands. I read in a magazine a while back that the bacteria in human doody is strong enough to penetrate through ten layers of double-ply toilet paper. Trust me, just wash your hands with soap and warm water after using the bathroom. Moving on.

If there is one innovation in the last few years that deserves praise it’s without question TiVo and DVR. I record something different almost every night. Mondays it’s “Making The Band 4,” Tuesday is “Rob and Big” night, Wednesdays bring “Dinner Impossible” and “The Moment of Truth,” Thursdays it’s “America’s Best Dance Crew,” and the weekend is filled with miscellaneous shows that I enjoy, with everything topped off on Sundays with “Family Guy.” First and foremost, don’t judge me based on my television selections, I know I’m a tool. Second, the reason I am bringing all this stuff up is so that I can lead into a discussion about a great benefit of DVR: being able to skip commercials on your recorded programs.

Wow I hate commercials. The worst part is, it’s the same damn ones every single break. I don’t know how people do it without being able to fast forward. Just the thought of those stupid freecreditreport.com commercials makes me sick. That stupid douche bag can’t sing, those songs are annoying, and God damn it if they don’ t get stuck in my head for days on end. Equally disturbing are those ringtone commercials. You know the ones I speak of. They have that hyper guy yelling at you to buy cheesy songs for your cell. “TO GET FERGIE’S NEW HIT, TEXT G11! TO GET BRITNEY SPEARS, TEXT G12!” You get the drift.

Here’s a little tip for you: If you’re over 18 and you have a ringtone, we need to talk. I could probably think of a hundred better things you can spend $1.99 on rather than having T-Pain sing every time you get a call.

One more thing I am going to vent about is something that has been going on for far too long. People, start saying words the way you’re supposed to. Now of course slang is permissible because without it we would sound weird. I’m talking about everyday words that some people just say differently for no good reason. You want examples don’t you? I figured that.

Example #1: Milk. I know people who pronounce it like it has an ‘E’ in it. It’s not melk people, get with it.

Example #2: Pillow. Same deal as the milk. If you’re ever gonna crash on my couch and you ask me for a “pellow” you can expect nothing from me, because I don’t have any pellows. I do have pillows, though.

Example #3: Halloween. This one is a little controversial, because it almost feels like I’m outnumbered with this pronunciation. I say it like it’s spelled, hal-oh-ween. Many people I know say it with an ‘O’ sound in place of the ‘A’ though, like hol-oh-ween. Now the argument for the ‘O’ pronouncing side is that you pronounce it like you would pronounce the word “hall” with that ‘O’ sound. I don’t get down like that. I pronounce it like the word “hallow” it pronounced … Just the way it’s frickin spelled.

Example #4: If you’re one of those people who pronounces the ‘H’ in words with a ‘WH’ (i.e. white, when, etc.) then we are no longer friends. Enough said.

Well, those were just a handful of the things that ruffle my feathers. Don’t get me wrong, I am not some freak with intense anger issues, but I do enjoy being somewhat of a hater and sarcasm is definitely my department. So don’t take this too seriously, unless you do any of the aforementioned things, then stop it. Have a great weekend everybody!

One love,

10

P.S. It was “The Missouri River”

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